Following a Halloween that involved me dancing as a blacked-out fairy at a well-known bar nearly four years ago, I called it quits on drinking. It wasn’t the first time I drank so much the remainder of my night vanished, but will hopefully be the last.
And so it was that I found myself single and sober in my early 30s. No kids or ex-husbands, but also no experience dating without the icebreaking social lubricant that aided my twenty-something trysts.
I knew nothing – cue my favorite Game of Thrones quote, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” – and while some time has passed, relationships have blossomed and withered, I still feel like a newbie when it comes to this whole dating thing.
But there’s one thing I do know, and it’s that dating in sobriety isn’t any easier. It’s just more….real. Vivid. High-def. All the pixels are crystal and there’s less wiggle room to be an asshole.
The persistent presence of impaired judgement that made it easier to overlook a potential mate’s overblown ego or rude remarks and simply follow primal instincts and jump into bed, doesn’t exist. So now when I do, there’s no booze to blame.
It kind of sucks. It’s also liberating. It’s often a shit show. Yet I prefer it over my old ways of late-night booty calls, all-day hangovers, regrettable one-night stands and a deep-seated lack of self worth that never filled regardless of who I fucked, pined over, or dated.
You’ll hear it from most people who put down the drink (and drugs) for good – my only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.
Following another breakup (no regrets there), I found myself reflecting on the benefits of going through such a relationship, and those prior, in a clear-headed manner. Here’s what I’ve come up with. Feel free to share your insights, questions or comments.
• There’s no hiding – You, or the other person, all parties’ behaviors and actions are on full display. From sweet, honest showings of affection, to micro aggressions that suggest deep character flaws, it’s all out there and impossible to un-see.
The difference between keeping your phone away during a date vs. having it on the table and frequently picking it up to check X, Y and Z, is impossible to ignore.
I’m often reminded, after being disappointed by someone’s character, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” That’s from Maya Angelou, one of the most bad-ass women and pioneering writers I’ve encountered. Easier said than done.
• Tolerance levels dip – What you used to brush off and make excuses for – a late arrival for a date, a rude remark directed at you or another person, a lack (or fanaticism) of professional drive – become less tolerable. Your awareness of others’ behavior grows. Those yellow and red flags get easier to recognize. It doesn’t always mean you’ll act on it. But they’re more discernible. Trusting yourself and your intuition is a whole other story.
• Tastebuds improve – Hopefully as your dating life evolves, so does the quality of those you’re attracted to. If you’re working to alter and improve the quality of your life by A) no longer putting harmful substances into your body, and B) changing your habits and behaviors, you’re more likely to attract someone on a similar path. Like attracts like, not the other way around.
• Good is good, bad is bad – Yes, I’m talking about sex here. I can’t tell you how many sexual encounters during my 20s were preceded by a night (or day) of overindulging in alcohol, but I’d estimate 90 percent. Instead of building an emotional bond that (for most women at least) coincides with greater enjoyment of sex, I took a shortcut that allowed me to trick myself into believing magic existed where it was probably just low-level attraction.
Today there’s no more tricking myself, no more lying. When the connection’s there, the sex is usually good. When it’s not, well, it’s obvious I didn’t spend more time getting to know the dude. Unfortunately sober sex doesn’t equate to amazing sex. Connection remains key.
• No more FWB and meaningless sex – Similar to what’s mentioned above. Meaningless, emotion-less sex like I tried to have early in sobriety with my (former) FWB turns out to not work (for me). Orgasm just isn’t possible. While I really wanted to make unattached, on-demand sex with someone who was physically outstanding but whose insides didn’t match the outside, I couldn’t use booze to bridge the gap between physical and emotional connection.
God damn it.
• No more blame game – Otherwise known as taking accountability for my decisions, which remain questionable even in sobriety. There’s no more blaming booze, pills, pot, or fill in the blank, for curious choices that still make me go, “Really? You went for that? You completely ignored that remark, that way he treated you, that feeling that something was off? So many warnings!” Yep. Several times.
The other day while talking to a girlfriend about aforementioned breakup, she said, “You’re really just mad at yourself for dating him.”
Fucking bingo. And ouch.
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Ultimately the hope is you learn more about yourself through relationships. How to trust yourself. How to communicate and navigate life with another human. How to honor yourself.
Even if that means staying single and in the dating game for another decade.
And maybe after a decade-plus of alcohol-enabled encounters, this is just what I need to learn what other people figured out earlier in life.
Bendy Babe 